Today I turn 49, a year away from 50, which for most of us, is definitely over half way. I find myself thinking back a decade when I was 39. I spent most of my 39th year receiving treatment for a confirmed stage 3 breast cancer, infiltrating ductal carcinoma, a possible stage 4, which is terminal. Doctors were concerned about four spots on my liver, three of which were most likely harmless hemangiomas but one of which was “suspicious”. “Proceed with treatment and test the liver again to see if there were changes after nine months of treatment”. Luckily, there was no change, therefore solidifying the stage 3 cancer diagnosis and not the terminal stage 4. During that time when I thought I may be living with a stage 4 cancer I reflected a lot on my life to date, was I happy with where I was, what I’ve done, how I treated people, who I helped, how I made people feel, what I influenced, how much I contributed, were my loved ones aware of my appreciation and adoration etc. etc….. my mind went to many places. Although at that time I already got through university, single parenting for a while, got married, did what I had to do to be secure in a good career, three failed pregnancies and a serious illness of my mother, the cancer diagnosis was the most difficult. That year made me stronger. But nothing I endured in those 39 years, including the year of wondering if I had a terminal diagnosis, prepared me for the years of loving a child with severe mental health and addictions challenges. Watching your only child, the most important person in your life struggle with a disease that does not have the same medical protocols and defined standards of treatment as cancer does … is unbearable.
Survivor guilt and fear of reoccurrence creep in to my life now and then and those things are hard to deal with. I met seven other women getting treated for cancer during my 39th year; five of which had a reoccurrence and subsequently left this world as we know it. Other friends I met since through cancer have also passed away or are living with reoccurrence. Every time this happens, I wonder why I have been spared.
My son, Christopher has been in the ICU four times and faced life threatening illness due to his addiction multiple times. When people say, “I don’t know how you do it” I think “I don’t know how NOT to do it” … have I enabled over the years? Probably…. no, definitely… but we educated ourselves, changed our behaviour, worked through conflict and difficult decisions and learned about his diagnosis and about best practices with addiction. Fuck, it was… is… difficult…. I wish addictions was like cancer. With cancer, medical professionals told me, “if it’s stage 3 here’s the two choices for treatment you have, here’s when and where you will receive treatment and exactly what it entails; if it’s stage 4 here are your options, what the diagnosis means and what your life expectancy is with each option”. I’m not downplaying a cancer diagnosis, yes it was very difficult but living with mental illness, especially addiction, or watching a loved one do so is much harder in my opinion. No one can offer treatment protocols, options and life expectancy stats to Christopher. Yes, medical professionals have said, “If you continue with this lifestyle it will most likely kill you someday” or “You may lose your loved ones forever if you continue to use” but no one could give him clear options for treatment available based on his condition as they could for my cancer. No one could tell him if he followed certain protocols, he will most likely beat this; no one can give clear direction about relapse chances and immediately start a treatment plan when he presented with symptoms. The nature of addictions and mental illness and especially dual diagnosis, makes it so much harder to predict behaviour and treat than cancer. I’ve lived both and I can say one of the reasons I believe cancer was easier is because of the support I received from community. Stigma is real and contributes to the challenges, the deaths, the strain on communities, the crime rates etc. Is it improving? Absolutely, but we still have a long way to go.
I love and appreciate every moment I have with Christopher. He is still my smart, articulate, creative, caring, resourceful, compassionate boy; he may not be the same in many people’s eyes as they have only seen (or heard about) the active addict and the behaviours that resulted from his addiction. Since my 39th year, I have celebrated every birthday proudly, I long to reach 50, maybe it was the fear of not reaching 40, maybe it’s knowing Christopher needs my love and support…. Whatever, I am grateful today to be almost 50!
I know parents who lost children before age 10, parents who wish they could see their children reach 20, loved ones who leave us before age 30, new mothers who die before 40; I don’t understand why anyone would not celebrate and enjoy every birthday they have, every extra year they get to be alive….. but just because I don’t understand doesn’t mean it is wrong. I’m not talking about women who don’t want to get old and lie about their age or men having a mid life crisis; I’m talking about those amongst us with struggles so real they don’t want to live. Their minds are so full with doom and gloom they can’t be happy. They turn to substance abuse, retreat to the darkness, disengage with community, pretend to be ok and carry on, hurt others, hurt themselves, commit suicide, follow the wrong path etc etc BUT they still deserve love, respect and a place in our communities. “It takes a village.”
Yes, we all have those feelings of doom and gloom at times. It’s easy for me to turn these feelings off; I just tell myself “it could always be worse” and think of how lucky I am to have what I got. I’ve learned that some individuals hate that saying, “it could always be worse” and feel it doesn’t validate their own feelings, dismisses their, very real feelings, some way. Telling someone with a mental illness like depression to just, “Get up and do something, snap out of it” or someone with anxiety, “Don’t be so foolish, you’re being irrational” or someone with anorexia “You’re not too fat, imagine if you were me, I’m twice your size” is NOT effective. Those who don’t see first hand how real mental illness is may think that’s all it takes but most of us know that is not the case. We all know someone who committed suicide or let their addiction take over to the point of death by overdosing; that’s how strong this is and at times, it is not visible from the outside.
Feelings are real, we are emotional beings, none of us are in a position to judge, we need to be open, supportive and non-judgemental. We hear this, we say we believe it but our actions in life don’t always reflect it. I’m guilty of this at times as well but one thing I know after all we’ve been through and all we’ve witnessed as a family is that love is a gift, not everyone has the support, security and comfort of knowing there are people who love them unconditionally. So, if you are one of the lucky ones, find some way to help others, spread that around.
I hope my 49th year is better than my 39th …. but I wouldn’t change that 39th year if I was given a choice…. as it slowed me down, gave me perspective, allowed me to meet all my fabulous PINK sisters and opened my mind to a new world. I believe my cancer diagnosis prepared me for the fortitude I needed to get through the challenges of the past decade. I don’t know if I’ll make it another decade to 59, I certainly hope so, but if not, that’s ok, I’m still luckier than a lot of folk and I have lived a life where I know love is always there for me. Thanks for all the birthday wishes today and thanks to all my family and friends who continue to love and support us each and every day. I had lunch with the best mom in the world today and as a mom should, she made sure I made a birthday wish before blowing out the candle on my cake….. my birthday wish – I want everyone who cared enough to read all this to reach out to someone struggling in your community (they are easy to find) and show them some kindness and support. It costs nothing to do that. Oh, but to my husband Jason, I still want a new Fitbit and powerlifting belt!
Over Half Way 