“She was found d… OMG I don’t even want to type it…. at her house today, soooooo sad…. they’re saying suicide….. I think we need to wait and get confirmation as whenever someone is found alone that’s what they say first”… especially if it’s sudden and the person is young.
That was my initial response to a friend living away who asked me what happened to another friend here in Gander last Monday. Unfortunately, the rumour mill continued and although less than 48 hours after I heard this, her family confirmed it was NOT a suicide, many people, including myself had already repeated details that were obviously untrue. It is extremely sad that humans behave this way and I apologize for this to her family. It does however, prove the power of community and the impact we all have on each other. Although my initial response was “wait for confirmation”, the more I heard the same thing again and again with additional details the more I believed it. The rumour mill usually opens for business when the news is bad or shocking; if it opened more often for positive impact, wouldn’t we all be better off?
I am a talker, I need to share and talk with friends when I am down or confused. I was very confused about the rumours and sought support from friends. Many of us felt a little guilt when we thought our old friend ended her own life; “why did we lose touch?” “I wish I reached out to her?” “She and I had so many common interests but our lives just took separate paths.” “I wish I knew she was in pain I could have helped.” “She opened up to me about her cancer maybe she was reaching out then” Etc etc. I was relieved to learn it wasn’t suicide but don’t regret the talks I had with loved ones about my own feelings because too much in life, we isolate old friends or forget past connections because someone doesn’t fit in to our new lives. I think an opportunity to reflect on our connection with people in our community who are struggling is never a negative thing; a thought I hope brings a little peace to how her family feels about the rumour.
At 9:23 Wednesday evening it was confirmed for me she didn’t commit suicide … just after 10pm that same evening, I heard from a past client who was feeling suicidal. When he told me he couldn’t shake the feelings of wanting to quit, I initially assumed he meant drugs, as he too, like my son, has battled addictions for years. He said, “No, not drugs I’ve been off those for a long time, I mean quitting life.” The very emotional conversation ended with,
Him: I appreciate your help so much
Me: Ok, so stay safe tonight …. Right?
Him: Yes
Me: Thank you
Him: For what?
Me: For staying alright tonight.
Him: What’s another night, our talk makes me feel a little hope again, haven’t felt that way in a long time now.
I was proud of helping but even more proud he reached out when in crisis. That’s what everyone who is struggling needs to do. The help is out there, just keep looking for it and reaching out until you find the support you need. Maybe if the 48 hours prior to his call were not spent thinking about suicide and depression then I wouldn’t have been able to respond so well to this person. “They say”, everything happens for a reason.
It’s been an emotionally draining week for many people in Gander, myself included. On top of the passing of an old friend and talking a past client “off the ledge” as “they say”, I also had a phone call from a friend the day after her Dad’s funeral to discuss her Dad’s feelings about incidents that happened due to my son’s addiction; I agreed to do a CBC interview about the affects of addiction on family caregivers where I shared very personal experiences and later became anxious about the level of negative detail I shared; I had conversations with three people regarding the worry they have about a mutual friend who went through a lot of trauma lately, all of us hoping he doesn’t “go off the rails” as “they say”; I had an old friend reach out to me after the CBC piece to discuss her present struggles in Gander and thank me for sharing because she often feels alone; I had a discussion about death/grief with a professional who sees these things in her job all the time; I visited a woman I met last year who was in hospital with Chris who is living without a lot of family support …. and the feelings that came from all this led to many heart wrenching conversations with my husband, Jason this week about our own family’s trauma. Gratitude for life, gratitude for family love and support, hope for the future and a deeper richer understanding of community support is what I end with today. Only two of the individuals struggling above could be considered people who are in my life intimately; all the rest are from my past or casual acquaintances; yet the things happening in our community and a desire to share lead to many intimate conversations and small victories. That’s the power of community, “they say”… “it takes a village”.
The CBC interview this week was prompted because the Town of Gander added needle disposal boxes in the community and I posted a picture of same, saying this was progress. I was very happy to see the positive comments on Facebook from fellow Ganderites who agreed with me. I was preparing for the opposite, sorry Gander, it seems a lot of you do understand harm reduction and are educated about best practices. That gives me hope for improving services here. Two other things happened this week that give me hope for Ganderites suffering from Mental Health and Addictions as well. U Turn Addictions Centre received funding to explore expanding to the Gander area and Channal, a peer support group, confirmed they are adding another central NL location and Gander may be chosen. The addition of these two services in this area will have a huge impact on our community.
In the meantime, there is a Recovery Support Group open to all individuals struggling or supporting those struggling, who meet twice a week in Gander at the hospital and I encourage you to spread that news as much as possible. They meet Monday and Thursday at 8pm in Education Room D, lower level of hospital. As Colette Lambert said in our CBC interview about this group, “Our room should be full. They should be full but they’re not because people don’t want to be seen going in to recovery.” Listening to Colette speak to Garret Barry this week at my kitchen table was very inspiring; I can not have that type of affect on my son; I can not relate to the dark feelings inside someone’s head going through their struggles; I can not imagine feeling the despair, shame and loneliness that comes from severe addictions and mental illness; “they say” peer support has proven to be a powerful part of recovery and “they say” when individuals struggling share with peers who have gone through the same things it has a profound impact on wellness. See, what “they say” is not always a bad thing, spread the good things “they say” as Garret Barry did this week; my anxiety about sharing too much of the bad experiences during the interview ended when I saw his thoughtful choices of what to include in his coverage, thank you Garrett.
You don’t have to believe just little ol me, another Ganderite, presently living in Torbay, can attest to the power of positive thinking and peer support, my dear cousin shared her experiences with Channal and peer support last year. Read her story here.
http://vocm.com/news/torbay-woman-credits-channal-for-helping-save-her-life/
Learn more about U Turn and Channal at the links below and please support their expansion to Gander:
Garret Barry’s CBC coverage
Over Half Way 