Children, kids, little humans, offspring, munchkins, babies, girls, boys, rascals, angles, devils, bambinos, juveniles, youngsters…. whatever you call them….. they, whether they are our own or not, bring us joy, make us laugh and cry, frustrate us, challenge us, teach us and remind us of life before responsibility. A life when we were naive and hopeful and believed anything was possible. Not that I don’t believe anything is possible now, I do and I am still a dreamer but I also know a lot of “grown ups” do not and they conform too early in life and settle for what they believe to be success.
I have been involved in the sport of gymnastics for over 40 years; recently it’s been more on the governance side and not coaching and judging the young athletes. This weekend was different…. spending time around the kids judging their performances and observing their behaviour in competition was a refreshing change; I’ve also been coaching children again the past few weeks, helping with some year end show routines. I realized, kids are an important part of my life and even though it wasn’t in the cards for me to have the big family I wanted, I did and do have a large family of kids in the gymnastics community. Five of “my girls” were there this weekend, as mothers, watching their children compete in our challenging sport as they did years ago when I coached them. After a brief, “you know you’re old when…” moment, I thought about their lives, one of them, I had not seen or talked to since I coached her over twenty years ago. I looked around at the kids competing this weekend and thought about all the kids who passed through my life the past thirty years, where are they now? What are they doing? What effects did my coaching or this sport have on their young lives?
Many kids caught my attention this weekend, over a dozen of them made me feel a little creepy as I think I was only a smidgen off thoughts of kidnapping. One mother from Corner Brook told me I was welcome to take her 7-year-old son home if I really wanted him. Obviously, she was joking, as I am, about being a creepy kidnapper. I seem to be attracted to a different type of kid than I used to be. As a competitive coach in my early adult life, I was attracted to the focused, dedicated, mature, strong, serious way too early in life type of kid who could handle the mental toughness needed at a young age in our sport. Now, for whatever reason, I am attracted to the kids who stand out for other reasons. My perspective has changed quite a bit of course, that comes with age and the types of experience we live… I still LOVE competitive gymnastics as much as the many many hockey fans love their sport but we all know the value of sport goes way beyond the physical benefits.
I heard many comments about kids this weekend from coaches, judges and parents; “she’s not really suited for competitive gymnastics”; “if her mind could catch up to her raw talent she would win every meet”; “if she could perform at meets like she does in practice it would be ok”; “she shakes it off if she does bad and doesn’t really care”; “if she would take it more serious she would have more success”; “I don’t know what to do with her, she’s afraid of everything, skills she did two years ago, she won’t even attempt now”; “our boys team is a group misfits”; “he’s so talented but we can’t get him to listen” etc etc.
Over the years, I have coached every “type” of child referred to above. I have seen kids they call “misfits” become successful adults and I have seen focused mature kids who thrive in our sport become “misfits” as adults. There’s no way to tell who will stay “on track” and who will go “off track”. Christopher was a competitive gymnast when he was young; he was a middle of the pack all around competitor, top of the pack in two of the six men’s gymnastics events, rings and parallel bars. I remember Jason and I as parents at his first competition, so worried about him because his teenaged coach told him he could win a medal and winning that the “medal” mattered so much to him. I tried to focus on a few personal goals instead and manage his expectations as a first-time competitor. I was prepared with my “it’s ok not to win talk” and for the disappointment that may come for my child. My experience with female gymnastics told me Christopher’s form was no where near ready to win medals but he did, he won several medals that meet, that’s when I learned men’s gymnastics was much more forgiving than females’ at a young age, probably just because there’s a lot less of them so it is easier to be “successful” when it comes to winning awards. His father was also prepared for my expectation of Christopher not winning a medal, his preparation included visiting an awards store and purchasing a medal which he showed me was in his pocket as we started watching the awards ceremony.
Neither of us were prepared for the outcome that actually came that day as our expectations were way off. Just like neither of us were prepared for a bi polar/ADHD diagnosis or the struggles that came with having a child with a full-blown drug addiction by 18 years old. The smart, brave, confident little boy who was so excited at that first competition showed no signs of getting as “off track” as he did. Our plans for handling his expected disappointment that day mirrored the many different ways we reacted and handled his struggles later in life. Back then, I wasn’t in support of buying him a medal to give him in case he didn’t win one, I was focused on learning from disappointment and being a good loser. Then when Jason explained his reasoning and explained it as we are his parents, not the coaches or judges, it is our job to make sure he knows in our eyes he deserves a medal no matter what the results say. So giving him a medal, the thing he was focused on, for another reason other than his gymnastics results would still make his dream for that day come true. As parents, isn’t that we wish we could do more of, make their dreams come true? That coach, who I believed was giving Chris false expectations, knew his sport well enough to know Chris was a medal contender and on that day, Chris’ dream did come true, we didn’t have to console, or teach him about losing or “sugar coat” anything. No one knows if their child is going to be a “winner” or a “loser” in life and parents’ expectations are often off. We should avoid extreme expectations of our children and what some of us view as winning and losing needs to change. No one knows if their child will be a drug addict and most times, no one can tell early in a child’s life that they will end up struggling with mental health challenges. I’ve seen people from different walks of life end up in bad situations regardless of where they started and what “type” of child they were. There are no indicators or predictors to determine what kind of childhood will lead to addictions; research suggests some, like trauma and even genetics but there are many exceptions to the rules.
If we are not developing Olympic athletes or NHL hockey players then we shouldn’t be judging young athletes and pushing them toward goals that only focus on winning….. actually, even if we are, we shouldn’t focus only on winning. I wasn’t suited for competitive gymnastics either when I look back at it…. If my home town had cirque du soliel or a performance arts program that would have suited my personality more. I only had one year of the ten I was in competitive gymnastics where I was at the top of the podium winning awards …. but, I was winning every year in my mind. I loved my experience and still enjoy hopping up on a four-inch-wide balance beam and challenging myself. I’ve talked to athletes who were at the top of the podium all the time who say they would never put their kids in competitive sport because it ruined their childhoods. I’ve talked to addicts, both active and in recovery who say they never experienced childhood trauma or have any genetic disposition they know of who were full blown addicts. All children need to be given a chance to experience what they enjoy and what they want to excel at; just because they are not living up to parent’s or coach’s expectations or conforming to the norm does not mean they are not “winning” in their minds. All addicts need to be given a chance to recover as well; just because they are not living up to society’s definition of “success” does not mean they are not succeeding in their minds. Success looks different for all of us. Every single child I watched this weekend, whether they were at the top of the podium with supportive parents and mature coaches or they were middle of the pack athletes with parents and coaches who put too much pressure on them could become an addict or develop severe depression and commit suicide.
Some of the kids I wanted to take home were the ones I could see were having fun, loved what they were doing and were confident with themselves; they made me smile and laugh. There were also kids I wanted to take home who were struggling at the competition, appeared stressed by what they were doing and frustrated with themselves; they brought tears to my eyes and a desire to help.
We never did give Christopher the medal Jason bought for him but we continue to give him the unconditional love he needs to win and we continue to let him know even when he is struggling or disappointed he is always a success in our eyes.
Over Half Way 