Don’t

Recently a friend asked me to talk to his friend who is having the same isues with her son as we had with Christopher. This is not the first time I was asked to do this; there have been many occasions. I wonder… what can I say to them? What would have helped us back then? What advice can I give? Is there something someone could have said to us that would have changed the outcomes? I can support and console and let them know they’re not alone, sometimes that helps but most parents are hoping I can help them fix it. I feel at a loss because there’s not much I can come up with that I feel will help. We know we didn’t do everything right and we know we don’t have all the answers to give others. We are still struggling with addiction and Christopher‘s recovery; we have no magical words that will help make it easier or fix it. I’ve learned how important self-care is and I’ve learned a lot about crisis management! I can’t tell you how to keep your son or daughter from becoming an addict based on my experience; every person‘s experience is different; every single one of us could end up with a child who is a drug addict…. that’s one thing I’ve definitely learned, addiction doesn’t discriminate, any class, any gender, any race, any age, from any community…. addiction is not picky. All youth are just one crisis or trauma away from their breaking point.

If your child is changing and you’re losing touch, if your child used to tell you everything and now hardly talks, if your child is having outbursts and mood swings, if their grades are dropping in school, if their friends are changing, if they stop doing things they used to enjoy, if they’ve suffered from trauma, if they sleep a whole lot more than normal, if they don’t sleep at all at times, if they can’t focus, if they’re always putting you off…. if there’s any sign of drug addiction or drug use then deal with it right away…. don’t think you’re overreacting… don’t think it’s a one time thing… don’t think they learned their lesson, if they took the risk once they may take it again. Try to figure out why they chose to take the risk in the first place. Don’t think it’s a phase all teens do it or sweep it under the rug as no big deal. Many of us parents who thought that when our kids first started using are wishing now we learned earlier, we educated ourselves, we did take it serious, we did keep nagging and nagging, We want our kids to have freedom, we want our kids to be independent but if they are not taking responsibility seriously then we need to step in. If I had my time back… would I do things differently? Maybe, maybe not, I don’t really know for sure. One thing I do know for sure is that I don’t really know anything that will work or will fix it. I don’t really have a lot of advice to give to most parents who reach out because when it gets to the point where parents are ready to reach out for help it’s usually gone so far there’s not a lot you can do. I have learned a lot about what not to do…

don’t lose your temper… you will, so…

don’t feel bad if you do lose your temper

don’t resort to name calling

don’t judge their friends

don’t tell them you hate them

don’t lose yourself

don’t stop loving them

don’t say “You’re dead to me” and cut them off for good

don’t exclude them from family

don’t give them ultimatums you’re not willing to follow through on

don’t think it’s your fault

don’t think they don’t love you

don’t focus on the negative

don’t lie for them

don’t let it ruin your relationship with your partner

don’t cut your friends off

don’t stop sharing your feelings with someone no matter how ashamed you feel

don’t take your anger out on your loved ones

don’t make excuses for them

don’t accept abuse

don’t blame their friends, their ex, your ex, the music they listen to etc.

don’t pay off their drug debts

don’t waste your time worrying who sold them what, it doesn’t matter, someone will always be selling

don’t fight their battles

don’t stop doing the things you love

don’t be ashamed

don’t feel alone … there are a lot of us

don’t ignore the signs

don’t believe “It’s not mine, I’m holding it for a friend” or “I didn’t even know what it was”

don’t tell yourself it’s just a phase

don’t feel guilty … when you do, find a healthy way to get over it

don’t take other people’s opinions to heart… would you believe it all if it wasn’t happening directly to you?

don’t loan them money

don’t give up on them

don’t think it’s over because (s)he had a few good months

don’t always trust their tears or believe their anger … they are great actors

don’t start using yourself

don’t blame the system, although the system is broken, it’s not the reason your child is using

don’t think escaping now and then will make things better (but take a few escapes anyway, it may help you forget for a while)

don’t force them to get help

don’t refuse help yourself

don’t stop exercising

don’t stop eating

don’t stop your life

don’t stop talking to them

don’t stop educating yourself about addiction

don’t trust them

don’t believe they can get better on their own

don’t leave your purse or other valuables in the open

don’t give them your car

don’t believe if they find a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner they will be better

don’t abandon them

don’t judge treatment options

don’t pretend to understand unless you’re an addict yourself

don’t tell them it’s easy

don’t ask them to quit using for you or anyone but themselves

don’t give in to their threats

don’t let your fears guide your decisions

don’t stop doing what you know in your heart is right

don’t make decisions that will hurt you more than they hurt them

don’t take it personally

don’t use their friends

don’t knock on drug dealers’ doors or approach them if you see them

don’t hide things

don’t believe you don’t have a role to play in their recovery

don’t give them money

don’t forget why you love them

don’t let them manipulate you

don’t worry about what others think

don’t save them every time they get in trouble

don’t ignore expert advice even if it seems ridiculous, ten years ago if someone told me a doctor prescribed morphine to a morphine addict I would have been appalled, now I’m mad at the doctors who won’t

don’t believe it would never happen to your child

don’t judge others

don’t hide their addiction from others to protect them or help them keep a job

don’t compare them to others

don’t change your expectations because they’re an addict

don’t settle for less because there an addict

don’t think they can’t work because they’re an addict

don’t think just because you’re their parent you have to support them all the time

don’t get caught up in what you’re “supposed” to do

don’t feel guilty if you do something wrong

don’t refuse to talk to them if they’re high, we’ve learned a lot from “high Chris”

don’t be mad at others for making mistakes

don’t think your child is different

don’t be shocked

don’t delete the video you took of them high or in a drunken stupor

don’t tell family and friends you’re OK when you’re not

don’t tell your loved ones not to worry

don’t believe nobody cares

don’t get cancer … lol…. I know we can’t control this but it came to my head as something that got in the way for us.

don’t trust the friends they use with

don’t isolate yourself

don’t drown in self-pity

don’t waste time wondering “why me…” … just accept that it is and deal with it

don’t think things are going to change easily …. recovery is a long process

don’t put a time limit on your support

don’t stop laughing

don’t stop advocating to ensure programs and services are available in your community

don’t lose hope/faith

don’t forget who they were before their addiction

don’t stop telling them you love them