Our community has been getting a lot of attention due to the Broadway musical, Come From Away, which chronicles the events that took place during 9-11 and the tremendous care we gave the “plane people” while they were stranded in Gander, NL and surrounding communities. Every “Ganderite”, whether living in Gander during this time or not, is extremely proud of how our community is portrayed. Gander has historically been a transient community and the term, CFAs has been used for years to refer to those who inhabit our community but are not from here. My plan for this weekly blog is to now and then include stories of “CFHs”, Come From Heres, who have not experienced the same generosity. Are there CFHs who have been helped and supported in this community and whose families’ will admit that without Gander’s generosity they would be lost right now? Absolutely, they are plentiful and Ganderites can name several town fixtures or icons we all hold fond memories of helping in the community; I would question your claim to be a Ganderite if you said you didn’t know who I was referring to when I said their names, we all know them.
There are other names of vulnerable people who live and have lived in Gander who most of us would not be familiar with. Names and stories I know from working in the system, volunteering with various organizations and from personal experience. I will be changing some insignificant details to protect their identities but be assured these individuals could benefit from the same generosity Gander gives willingly to so many others who present with more “acceptable” behaviours.
You may see a drug addict who is at times, rude and moody, walking the streets with her child and think, “What a sin, that poor child, what is wrong with the system when they let that child live with her.” What you may not know is that she was raised by an alcoholic, left with her prominent Ganderite grandparents most of the time where she was repeatedly sexually molested by a relative in that house and subsequently spent her teenage years lost in Gander trying to find a place where she belonged. Turning to drugs and alcohol at a young age and known for her early sexual encounters; she was ousted by many of her “friends” and their parents, who forbade their children to hang out with her. Gang raped by a group of four high school boys while she was in junior high and eventually moving in with one of them to escape her harsh reality at home, she was indeed lost and on a downward cycle. She ended up pregnant at a young age and was determined to turn her life around and protect her child from abuse. She became a beautiful mother, caring, creative, loving, resourceful and sober. She conquered her demons for many years and gave her child everything children need in life. She married a perfectionist who appeared to be a hard working, respectable citizen of his community and a dedicated father and husband. Early signs of his controlling behaviour were viewed as love to this young woman who thought it was nice to have someone concerned enough about her to give her limitations and to offer to take care of her. “No kid of mine will have to go to a sitter, my wife will stay home and I will provide for my family” sounds pretty damn good to someone who was neglected as a child, struggled with poverty, abuse and addictions and lived freely without discipline. Knowing her child had a strict father with a great income, beautiful house, good family and opportunities she never had was enough for her to accept the limitations he put on her. His “strict” parenting was seen as a blessing to her and something she never had as a child therefore she felt it would prevent her child from ending up where she did. She was accepted in the community on his arm and never felt happier. Most of us know where this is going, controlling turned in to dominating and strict turned in to abuse of her and her child.
Where does a sexually molested child, promiscuous addict teenager and then an emotionally abused young wife/mother end up when she finally gets the strength to leave? She ends up a single parent on social services in Gander trying to find support and help in her community. The ex husband, still a prominent citizen contributing as a volunteer in an active social program and winning awards for his accomplishments, watches as she struggles and no one in Gander understands why she left him. Rumours she had an affair and/or relapsed back in to her old life of addictions surfaced and he continued to be successful in our town. She could not escape the reputation from her past and was blamed for getting less than she deserved in the divorce because she left and moved out of the family home.
She did ok for a while, spent a few years working toward independence and trying to establish a life here in Gander. I met her while working as a Client Service Manager for employment programs here in Gander (although I will admit I knew her by reputation prior to that). She shared a lot more than what is above, she spent time in a transition house and appreciated those supports but felt there was very little in the way of empathy from the community. She eventually ended up turning to drugs and alcohol again, finding comfort in the arms of more abusive men and never did use any of our employment or training programs to better herself. The reality is, she wasn’t ready for our programs at that time. She needed different supports, she needed the type of supports and services required by many people in Gander that are just not here and were even more scarce back then than they are now. The recent addition of Doorways, a walk-in counselling service for mental health and addictions for example, is a huge improvement for our community and most definitely something she would have benefited from.
The woman’s story I tell here has a since left Gander, I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing. Originally, I was told she was going out west to live with an old friend but most recently I heard she was in Halifax. I hope wherever she is she finds a community that gives her a chance and a system that has the services she needs to stay in recovery and properly deal with her traumatic past.
The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) just released a new definition of addiction; defining it as a chronic brain disorder and about underlying neurology, not outward actions. How we view the actions and behaviours of addicts needs to change if we are going to make any progress on outcomes. Believing addiction is a choice and somehow can easily be controlled has not been working. The opioid crisis may be getting all kinds of attention right now due to the number of deaths from this addiction but the reality is, addictions of all sorts, have been killing us for years.
Criminal behaviour is often a result of addiction; it took us years to understand how our son could turn to crime when we knew he held the same values we did; when we saw his compassion for others and nurturing personality; when we witnessed his concern with social injustice at a very young age; and saw him pick up for the vulnerable on many occasions. How did he end up spending his 19th birthday at Her Majesty’s Penitentiary? What did we do wrong as parents? How come we can’t get him the help he needs? Why is everyone shutting doors on him? What can we do differently? And other self blaming questions haunted us for years. We feel we’re coming out the other end now, my husband even thought my blog title, “Over half way” meant half way through this struggle with Chris but sadly, it doesn’t. Addiction is a lifetime struggle, whether an addict is still using or is in recovery, it will always be present.
Come From Away is an inspiring story about our town’s generosity and hospitality shown to strangers; it is a beautiful story and speaks to the character of our citizens; my hope is that the same be shown to all the people of Gander even if they’re addicts who turn to criminal behaviour to feed their addiction. Remember, they all have a story just like the woman above. She too turned to criminal behaviour, drunk driving, assault and possession of drugs with intent to sell. How we judge her as a community has a huge impact on her survival and recovery. I know it is difficult when your house has been broken in to, you have been assaulted or your loved one has been injured or killed by a drunk driver. It is also difficult to live with the guilt of committing a crime. Victims of crimes are forever affected as well but we are all human and we are all capable of and deserve forgiveness…. difficult? … yes… impossible? … no.
I may have trouble forgiving Americans for electing Trump but I do forgive the clients who called me a “dirty whore” and a “pompous bitch” for refusing to give them emergency cheques.
Over Half Way 
❤❤❤❤
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Another great write.
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