Prisoner in own home

Last week I spent over an hour on the phone with a parent of an addict who’s sister reached out to me after reading my blog. The woman I talked to shared intimate details of her son’s addiction as she wept through the frustration and helplessness a parent feels when their child is lost to this powerful disease.  Her son is living at home with her and her husband, his parents, why wouldn’t he be living with his parents in a time of hardship? She told me many people think the solution to her troubles is kicking him out; she told me everyone she talks to says this is the key. “Easier said than done” she said, a sentiment I completely understand. Parents have to do what they are comfortable with, no one can imagine the feelings if they haven’t experienced this challenge. Even when you “feel like a prisoner in your own home” and your family suffers as the addiction eats away at everyone’s emotions, no one can say what is right for you as you face this type of decision. I’ve had friends say, “If it was my child I would lock her in the basement until she dried out”; or “My parents would never put up with this I would have been kicked out of the house long ago”; or “My father would have beat me silly if I called my mom a whore, straight or high, I knew this and the fear of dad’s reaction kept me on the straight and narrow”.  Really? Does anyone think saying these things to a parent will make them feel better about allowing their children to live at home while in active addiction, regardless of the age of the “child”? I can tell you from personal experience, they just add to the feelings of guilt, confusion and shame.

I read a story fairly early in Christopher’s struggles, about a man who kicked his daughter out against his wife’s wishes. Two months after doing so, she was found dead from an overdose. The mother I talked to last week said her son survived overdose on three occasions; once, she found him having seizures in their bathroom after injecting too much of his drug of choice in to his veins. Easy just to kick him out of the house though right? I’ve also read stories from recovered addicts who say if their parents never kicked them out and cut them off, they would have never got better; it was the best thing that ever happened to them. As a parent it is hard to know which way to go, both options have unimaginable risks involved. It’s easy to say, “the consequences are no one’s fault but the addicts’”; as much as we tell ourselves that, as parents, this is hard to live by. I’ve cut off friends who were addicts and stopped hanging around certain crowds or places because the drug use associated with them wasn’t something I wanted to be involved in. That was easy to do when I had to do it for my own wellness but cutting my child off had the opposite affect.

With me it was about safety, the times I knew he was safe, my mental health was better. An advocate for better mental health and addictions facilities once said this while trying to get the message through to government officials, “Think of the state of the Waterford and Her Majesty’s Penitentiary, would you want your children to spend time in there?”…  My thoughts, “Imagine knowing the state of these facilities and still feeling relieved when your child is in them”. The reality is, when addiction is severe, the free world is scarier. Could they overdose or commit suicide in one of these facilities? Absolutely …. Chris tells me every time he was in jail he was exposed to a new drug or learned of a new way to get high. That doesn’t negate the fact that knowing he was in the care of professionals around the clock eased my worry as a parent.  Regardless of the risks and deplorable conditions, it gave him time to reflect, to dry out and to appreciate what he had on the “outside” and we had a reprieve from wondering if he was going to be alive the next morning, steal from us, beat up our house or get beat up by drug dealers.

Abandonment was never an option for us, although we have kicked him out and cut him off at times, we were always there ready to accept him when the need arose and he was ready for some down time away from his addiction. I’m going to share a few of the many things Christopher wrote to us over the years while in these facilities to show you one reason why we were open to take him back in and continue to support him.

“To me my family has always been true, even when these blue eyes they could see through

I’ve burnt a lot of bridges, when thinking of the pain I caused, my heart cringes

Disgraced myself and my family’s name, a poor site to see, nothing but shame

Playing with my life like it was a game

Yet they always stayed by my side, even when I strayed to the needle, wishing I died

For that I am forever in their debt, I’ll never forget their love, I’m sure about that.”

“I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere, I’m always with you in my heart.

Be happy… maybe this is what I needed for a fresh start.

Your love for me is ever so strong, sorry I shoved it away, I see now, with my family is where I belong

All around my cell, the walls are covered in your pictures

To me, they’re like the Bible to the Pope, they’re my holy scriptures

They keep me sane when I want to rave mad, they keep me free from being a slave to the tormenter, named sad”

“I wonder about the stress, that’s on everyone’s shoulders as I sit in this mess, wondering what’s to come, wondering if it’s all done. Trying to figure out, will I still back talk, shout, stand my ground, go round for round, pound for pound. Or be a different, better educated man, making people less irritated sounds like a good plan. Gotta change my ways, realize that none of this pays, but takes a toll, like the drugs did, as they stole, your one and only, making me act phony. Do crimes and react so fast, there’s no way to change the past, but there is a future to look forward to, I’ll change, I hope to this feeling, I stay true”

How can a parent not cling to these words, have hope and do everything possible to keep their child alive? Parents have always sacrificed for their children, went above and beyond to help them succeed. That’s what all parents do, isn’t it instinctual? No one can tell a parent or any caregiver of an addict what will work for sure; all situations are unique; each of us have to live with ourselves; maybe our choices would have been different if Chris wasn’t our only child; maybe the daughter mentioned above would have overdosed even if she lived at home… no one knows for sure. Addictions research suggests best practices and the move toward treating addictions as a brain disorder rather than a behavioural disease or mental illness may help with treatment in the future but right now, no one is in a position to judge the choices of any parent and what they decide to do when faced with this struggle.

If you have a friend or loved one in our situation please just listen to them, allow them to vent, suggest self care, help provide opportunities for them to take a break and don’t judge their decisions. Knowing they have non judgmental support from someone while they work through their emotions is the best you can do for them right now. We’ve been lucky enough to have exactly that from family and friends and it sure helps “cancel out” the affects of those who have judged us.